The Land of Indecision

The Land of Indecision 

My daughter has been accepted into a college in Paris to study fashion design.  Great, so why am I waffling on this now?  My husband and I took to to Paris to visit the school, among others, so I knew I had already said yes to this, yet here I am holding back.

It's the land of indecision.  A place where you waddle around, not sure of what to do, when you really knew what to do all the time.  I found this place a long time ago when my mother suffered a stroke.  Although her cognitive abilities were just as sharp as ever, she lost a great deal of her speech, and most important, she lost the ability to swallow.  Due to my close location to hers I am in charge of her living will - where she has clearly stated 'do not resuscitate or hold on to her life by any artificial means'.  No feeding tube.  My siblings were not happy about this, and I was put in the position of being asked "so you are just going to let her die?"

I volunteered to drive my son's carpool both directions so I could sit by myself on the far end of a baseball field, and think.  Just before some rain clouds showed up, a dad came to pick up early.  He told me about a friend of his who at a young age developed cancer resulting in a stomach tube.  His friend hated the thing, even though it kept him alive, and one day had enough, yanked it out and died.  I thanked Bill for his story and how did he know to share that with me?  He had heard.  The rain clouds started to open up so Matthew and his teammate ran for the car and we started to drive home.  Matthew asked me about the Land of Indecision, you know he said, the one from that book his sister loves so much.  "The Phantom Tollbooth"  Yes, he said - but what does the Land of Indecision mean.  I said, "It's where you are stuck so you dwell and ponder about something you have to decided one way or another on - and you really know the right answer all along"  No lie - the minute I said that, the very second the fog cleared from my mind, the clouds parted and the beautiful setting springtime sun shone through!  It was magical.

When we got home I quickly asked my daughter for the "The Phantom Tollbooth" book and as she handed it over as I asked her about "The Land of Indecision" chapter.  She said there wasn't a "land of indecision" chapter and showed me the map in the front of the book of all the existing lands and areas in the book.  "Matthew!"  I called, and asked him what he was talking about in the car.  He said in a bored manner "I don't know, I guess I made it up or saw something on TV" and walked away.  Whoa.  I had a magical nudge or shove in the right direction.  

My siblings could get lawyers and court dates if they wanted, but my mother had an iron clad living will defending her wish to die.  Because she was still so present, I asked her if she wanted a stomach tube to prolong her life, she shook her head no.  Then she proceeded to give me accurate directions to the Hospice the doctor was directing us to!

And today's decision is, if you want to study fashion design, is it better to study in Chicago or Paris?

My fifteen minutes from the Land of Indecision.